Merry Old Potidea
by EtherDoc
Summary: Gabrielle's newest scroll has Xena in a dress and Gabrielle in love. Ares acts in his own best interest, but it's all in good fun in this uberadventure. There's laughs, there's action, and there's a classic Xena-ish plot. Written as a script.
1. Teaser

Fade in:

A man stands on a balcony with his face hidden in shadows. The camera pans to: hands holding a goblet of wine. Classical music and laughing voices can be heard in the background.

The camera pulls back to reveal a bored looking Ares leaning against a stone railing and dressed a billowy white shirt and leather breaches. A sword hangs at his hip. A carriage rounds the bend below the balcony and Ares moves as if to go inside. He pauses when he hears a familiar voice.

Xena: My Lady Bella, don't forgot your fan.

Gabrielle steps down from the carriage wearing a low-cut blue dress.

Gabrielle: Thank you, Diana. I won't be staying long. Wait for me in the gardens.

Xena, in a simpler version of Gabrielle's dress in red, curtsies.

Xena: Yes, my lady.

Gabrielle leans in closer and whispers quietly to Xena.

Gabrielle: And be careful.

Ares: Well, well the night just got more interesting.

Ares drains his wine and walks inside.

Cut to:

Inside Gabrielle stands at the top of a grand staircase. She fans herself and frowns, moving gracefully to the open floor below. Gabrielle watches couples move together in step as they dance. She takes wine from a passing servant. A fat man with a ridiculous mustache approaches and takes her hand to kiss it.

Damien: Good evening, Lady Bella, you grace us with your presence.

Gabrielle pulls her hand away and glares as she answers.

Gabrielle: It's not like I had a choice, is it?

Damien: Everyone in Potidea is talking about your pending marriage with Duke Arden. Your father is a wise man.

Gabrielle: My father was a wise man, Lord Damien.

Damien: Of course, forgive me. Such an… untimely death. It is fortunate your marriage was arranged prior to the accident. I expect that your new husband will gain more than he anticipated from your union.

Close up on Gabrielle as she turns her hand over to reveal a white packet, slipped there by Damien.

Gabrielle: I expect he will.

Pan out to reveal Ares standing by a large stone pillar, looking thoughtfully at Gabrielle and Damien. Gabrielle slips the white packet into her bosom. Ares watches as Gabrielle and Damien join the dance, Gabrielle obviously reluctant, and then he turns and walks out to the gardens.

Cut to:

Xena sits on a stone bench by a large bubbling fountain surrounded by rose bushes. Ares watches her fingers glide across the water as she hums softly to herself.

Ares steps forward revealing himself. Xena turns to look up at him, narrowing her eyes with suspicion.

Ares: It's been a long time. Too long.

Xena: Pardon me, my Lord, but I don't believe we've met.

Ares leans in closer and whispers in her ear.

Ares: With everything we've been through together it's a shame you don't remember me. Or yourself.

Xena pulls back and raises one eyebrow.

Xena: I think I'd remember you.

Ares takes a step back and walks around the fountain. Xena shifts in her seat to keep an eye on him, frowning.

Ares: So, I hear your friend managed to snag a Duke for a husband.

Xena: I don't see how that's any of your concern.

Ares: Oh, it concerns me very much. Trust me.

Cut to:

Gabrielle and Damien end the dance and she offers him a curtsy. Two women approach, giggling and clutching each other's hands. (Cameo: we see it's Varia and Eve)

Varia: Oh, Bella, we don't know how you can stand that man!

Eve: I don't think any woman can stand him, but he's been married three times.

Varia: I thought it was four.

Eve: Poor Bernice. To drown on your own honeymoon! It's too sad.

Gabrielle: I shared a dance with Damien – it's not like I'm going to marry him.

Eve: Lord Arden is a much better dancer.

Gabrielle (gritting teeth): Well, Duke Arden isn't here.

Varia: I heard he's busy breeding stallions at his estate. (fans self vigorously) They say he's quite good at it.

Eve: Well, I heard he's leading a shipping expedition. They say he really knows how to handle the masts.

Both women sigh and fan themselves. Gabrielle rolls her eyes.

Cut to:

Ares and Xena in the garden. Ares sits down on the stone bench. Xena moves towards Ares so that their lips are almost but not quite touching. Close up on Ares, watching her with veiled eyes.

Xena (quietly and playfully): Do ya get the feeling we're being watched?

Ares: Definitely. But who am I to judge?

Xena: Two behind the tree… two in the rose bushes.

The two swiftly pull apart. Xena reaches off to one side and yanks a head out of the rosebush. Ares gives the man a swift jab to his jaw and he moves backwards. Xena lands a kick to his midsection as he falls. Ares pulls out the sword at his side and the other man behind the rosebush takes off running. Close up on Ares fist as it connects with the man's face. From behind the tree we here a voice say "Let's get out of here!" and retreating foot steps.

Xena flips over the bushes to land in front of one of the men and gives a roundhouse kick that leaves him flat. Ares watches as the last man runs off into the night.

Xena strolls up to Ares and he holds her chin between his fingers.

Ares: Exciting. Now, where were we?

Ares hand lightly moves along her jawbone. His head moves down slowly. Off camera:

Gabrielle: Diana! What are you doing?

Ares (rolls eyes): Enter annoying blonde.

Gabrielle: We're leaving, Diana.

Xena flashes her blue eyes at Ares, and then lowers them back to the ground as she follows Gabrielle.

Ares (calls): This isn't over, Xena.

Ares (softly to himself): I want what's mine.

Cut to:

A carriage pulled by two horses travels down a deserted, dimly lit stone street. The driver urges the horses around a corner.

Cut to:

Xena and Gabrielle sit across from one another in the lavish carriage. Gabrielle is tapping her fan against her palm and pursing her lips at Xena.

Gabrielle: Who was that man, Diana?

Xena: I'm sure I don't know, my Lady.

Gabrielle: You seemed to know him quite well, but you don't know his name?

Xena: He thought I was someone else. You heard him call me Xena.

Gabrielle: Xena? What kind of a name is that? You should be more careful. Who knows what he wants. He might be a spy for Lord Damien.

Xena: I will be more careful, lady Bella.

Gabrielle: You'd better - I can't afford a scandal so close to the wedding date.

The carriage suddenly lurches and Gabrielle is thrown across into Xena's arms. Xena smirks as Gabrielle sits down besides her.

Gabrielle takes Xena's hand in hers and offers her a smile.

Gabrielle: We'll speak no more about it. Although… he was very striking.

Xena (looking smug): Yes, he was.

Fade out.


	2. Act 1

Fade in.

Gabrielle and Xena are slowly riding sidesaddle on horses. A well-dressed gentleman rides besides them followed by servants on foot carrying baskets and jugs. We see it is a suave Joxter. Camera pans out to reveal a wooded region with a dirt path following a stream. The troop of people moves through the forested area.

Gabrielle: This is the perfect day for a picnic.

Xena: Looks like rain to me.

Arden: You have an amazing estate, Lady Bella.

Gabrielle: Thank you, Duke Arden. Soon it will be our estate.

Arden: I look forward to the day I can call such a beautiful place my home and such a lovely creature my wife.

Close up on Xena as she rolls her eyes. Pan to Gabrielle looking pleased by the compliment.

The party approaches a tall oak tree by a stream and the dismount. Servants have set up blankets and food and stand waiting nearby. The baskets and jugs are set down as the party dismounts.

Gabrielle: Will you stay for the hunt later this afternoon? Diana is very good with her bow. She always brings back game.

Arden looks thoughtfully at Diana.

Areden: Does she really? I might indeed be interested in seeing that.

Xena (blandly): I skin the rabbits myself. (off Gabrielle's look) They make excellent stew.

A short, uncomfortable silence follows.

Arden: Perhaps we can hunt for the gray wolf that's been stalking the villager's livestock.

Gabrielle: A wolf? Are you sure?

Arden: No one has seen it but several chickens have been killed or are missing.

Gabrielle: The villagers need those chickens to survive. If there is a wolf it needs to be stopped - before it hurts something besides the chickens.

The sound of a horse coming fast is heard.

Pan to:

A man dismounts, out of breath, and hands Gabrielle a parchment. Gabrielle scans the message, frowning.

Gabrielle: I must apologize. It seems I am needed back at the manor.

Arden: Is everything okay?

Gabrielle: Just a small family matter that needs my attention. Please, enjoy the food and I'll be back soon.

Gabrielle rides off with the servant, leaving Diana with Arden. Arden leans casually on one side, popping grapes into his mouth.

Arden: I was told you met Lord Aresis last night. I was surprised to hear he'd attended Damien's little fête. He tends to stay uninvolved unless he stands to benefit directly.

Xena: You're very informed, but your spies could use more training.

Arden: You would know.

Xena (smiling thinly): I am sure I don't know what my Lord implies.

Arden holds up a hand to interrupt. Xena's smile turns to a frown.

Arden: Trust me, Diana; I'm aware of the role you serve under your mistress. There's no need to pretend otherwise. Have you been with Lady Bella long?

Xena (cautiously): Since I can remember. She's my closest friend.

Arden: So she's like a sister to you?

Xena (sounding more like her usual self than Diana): I guess so, why?

Arden: It's just so hard to find faithful servants. Trustworthy servants.

Xena (hard): I wouldn't know.

Arden: Tell me, what would you do if you no longer had to attend Lady Bella?

Xena: What do you mean?

Arden: If your services were no longer needed. After all, Lady Bella will soon be a Duchess and I will give her all the servants she needs. She won't have much use for a … personal assistant.

Close up on Xena, looking troubled.

Arden: No, I'm quite sure you won't be needed at all.

Cut to:

Gabrielle enters the manor, looking impatient.

Gabrielle: Damien, what are you doing? You'd better have a good reason for interrupting my outing with Arden.

Damien stands behind Gabrielle and places his hands on her shoulders, smelling her hair. Gabrielle looks disgusted by the contact and pulls away. Damien clenches his jaw and then studies his nails.

Damien: A very good reason.

Gabrielle: Everything is going according to plan- (turns around, snarling) unless you manage to ruin it! We're supposed to hate each other. If you keep coming up to see me, people will start to suspect us.

Damien: They'll just think I'm interested in your… assets. As long as you keep up the pretense of hating me, no one will suspect anything.

Gabrielle: That should be easy - since I do hate you.

Damien: Oh, I know. But you also need me. A woman just doesn't have the same access as a man. Without me you stay the Lady Bella, mired in the debt left behind by your father. (grabs her arms) Believe me, Bella, you don't want me to leave you at the mercy of those men. Your father owes them a small fortune and they'll take anything they want until they feel that obligation is paid. Anything. The only reason they aren't here now is because of me.

Gabrielle pulls her arm away.

Gabrielle: And the only reason you are here now is because of them. Let's get this over with. What do you want me to do?

Damien: What we planned. On your wedding night slip the packet of poison I gave you into your husband's drink. You become Duchess and heir to his riches. You can pay off your debt and live your own life. Isn't that what you want?

Gabrielle looks uncertain and guilty.

Gabrielle: What's in this for you?

Damien: Ah, Bella, I'm sure you can think of some way to repay me.

Close up on Gabrielle's face. She looks furious.

Gabrielle: I need to get back before I'm missed.

Damien: What will you tell Arden when he asks why you left? I suggest you think of something creative.

Gabrielle: I'll tell him the truth. It's always easier than trying to lie. Lord Damien wanted to speak with me regarding my father's fortune and I sent him home… empty handed.

Damien (steps back and bows): Of course. But remember, Lady Bella, if you don't follow through on your end of this bargain you are dooming yourself to a life of poverty and shame. Your husband must die.

Damien walks out of the room.

Cut to:

Xena and Arden sitting together on the picnic blankets. Xena is picking at the grass, scowling at Arden.

Arden: I am looking forward to the hunt this afternoon. I've heard you are an excellent shot. Where did you learn to shoot a bow?

Xena: Lady Bella's father had us schooled together and I attended all her lessons. Including archery.

Xena and Arden both stand as Gabrielle comes riding back. Xena hugs Gabrielle as she dismounts and Gabrielle looks at her, slightly flustered. Arden watches the pair with a frown.

Xena: Is everything okay?

Gabrielle: Everything is fine, Diana. (to Arden) I hope you were still able to enjoy yourself while I was gone. Lord Damien insisted on clearing up a personal matter related to my father.

Arden (frowning): That man is a scoundrel. I am surprised to hear your father was involved with him in some way.

Gabrielle: Really, Duke Arden. It's nothing for you to concern yourself with.

Arden: Speaking of scoundrels, I was just warning Diana about Lord Aresis.

Gabrielle (glances at Xena): Who?

Arden: The gentleman she, uh… (clears throat) was introduced to last night. I have it on good authority that he makes his fortune through blackmail. It's said he obtains his information from the servants of nobles. I suggest you make an effort to avoid him, Diana.

Xena (through gritted teeth): Naturally I'll do as my lord wishes. (looks up) It looks like rain. Maybe we should head back.

Gabrielle: I'm sorry, Diana. I know how much you were looking forward to the hunt.

Xena: Not in this weather. We'd better hurry.

Arden: I have some things I need to attend, if you ladies will excuse me. Remember what I said, Diana. He's not to be trusted.

Gabrielle and Xena curtsy as Arden mounts his steed. Arden rides off camera.

Gabrielle: How did he know about you and Lord Aresis?

Xena: Apparently the men in the garden were his spies. A man as powerful as Duke Arden needs to stay informed. Who knows what Damien is plotting against him?

Gabrielle: He seems like a good man.

Xena: Good thing too, since he's your future husband.

Gabrielle: Oh, Diana, I don't know if I can do this.

Gabrielle buries her head in her arms and cries while Xena tries to comfort her, rubbing her hair gently.

Xena: Bella, what is going on?

Gabrielle: It's nothing.

Xena: Nothing? I know you better than that. Ever since that night in the garden you haven't been yourself. Tell me what's bothering you.

Xena holds Gabrielle and kisses the top of her head, looking worried.

Gabrielle: I wish I could tell you. (shaking her head) No, I can't. Come on, it's starting to rain.

Fade out.


	3. Act 2

Fade in.

Wooded scene in daylight, with the sound of trumpets calling and dogs barking in the background. Pan to Xena astride her horse, bow in hand. She's dressed in black riding suit with patterns that hint at her traditional leathers. A quiver full of arrows is on her back. Arden rides up besides her also holding a bow.

Arden: Are you ready, Diana?

Xena (smirks and cracks her neck): I am always ready for the hunt, Duke Arden.

Arden: Ah, yes.

A blur of horses passes the camera and Xena gives a "chi-ay!" and sets off after them. The camera follows Xena and her horse as they jump over a fallen log, navigating the dense forest with ease. The other riders are soon left behind. Xena pauses to study the ground, then turns her horse and rides off, following a trail.

Cut to:

Xena pauses and her horse pants heavily. Clearly she's been driving him hard. Xena dismounts and approaches a small waterfall to fill a canteen. A rustling sound captures her attention. She moves through the brush and finds a small dark den off to one side. We hear the sound of growling then see two glowing eyes.

Xena: There you are.

Xena pulls out her bow and aims, and then lowers it again, frowning. Camera pans back to den to reveal two small cubs. The large gray wolf bares it's teeth and growls again.

Off camera:

Ares: The most dangerous animal on earth is a mother protecting her young.

Xena spins around and raises her bow.

Xena: Aresis. What do you want?

Ares leans casually against a tree with his arms crossed.

Ares: Maybe I'm here to help.

Xena: I doubt it.

Ares places his fingers on his chest and raises one eyebrow.

Ares: That hurts. It really does. Why the sudden hostility? You didn't seem so aggressive before. Not that I mind aggression in a woman.

Xena: Let's just say I don't trust you.

Ares: Now why doesn't that surprise me? Look, you've got a problem on your hands and you need to take care of it.

Xena: She's just protecting her cubs.

Ares: I wasn't talking about the wolf.

Xena narrows her eyes then finally lowers the bow. She walks over to Ares and he meets her halfway. They stand looking at each other.

Xena: Damien.

Ares tentatively runs his fingers through her hair.

Ares: Very good. Your little friend is in deeper that she knows. All Damien cares about is power and he'll use any means he can to get it. You, Gabrielle, the men around him – you're all just pawns to him. Pieces in a game.

Xena: Why do I get the feeling you think the same thing? Besides, Bella is marrying Arden, not Damien.

Ares: Then I guess you don't need my help after all.

Ares drops his hand and turns to leave.

Xena: Wait… there's something you aren't telling me.

Xena pauses. Pan to her blue eyes, gazing sharply at Ares.

Xena: Damien can't be interested in Bella for her estate – it's not big enough for him. But he does want Arden's lands. If Arden is out of the way Damien could marry Bella and gain control of Potidea.

Ares: Very good, but you're still missing the key to his plans.

Xena: Bella… he's blackmailing Bella. To do what? Why are you telling me this?

Ares: Sometimes the best man for the job is a woman.

Xena: Or maybe it's because there's something in it for you. With Damien in complete control things will be pretty quiet around here.

Ares: A little too quiet, if you ask me.

In the distance the sound of approaching horses is heard. Ares snaps his fingers and the she-wolf comes out from her den. Ares walks away, the wolf at his heels. Xena looks troubled as she watches him go.

Cut to:

A gaudy sitting room decorated from ceiling to floor with bright pink and lace.

Damien sits in an overstuffed pink chair and sips tea delicately from a porcelain saucer as Xena strolls into the room. She drops a curtsy then waves a hand to dismiss the servants. Damien remains seated and Xena eyes him coolly.

Damien: Diana, I don't think I've had the pleasure.

Xena (nods): Lord Damien. Lady Bella won't be able to see you today. She's not feeling well.

Damien: Yes, I heard she missed the hunt. Did you manage to kill that wolf?

Xena: No. It slipped away.

Damien: Unfortunate, that. Some creatures can be so elusive.

Xena: I will tell Lady Bella you called on her.

Damien: Actually, I came to see you, Diana.

Xena's chin lifts up in defiance and her eyes are cold.

Xena: I have nothing to say to you.

Damien: Yes, but I have something to say to you. You serve your mistress well, of that there is no doubt. But don't get in my way, Diana. I'm a very dangerous man to cross.

Xena offers Damien a smirk, looking amused. Close up on Damien, obviously becoming angry.

Damien: You have been warned.

Damien stands to leave but Xena moves to block his way.

Xena: I don't like threats.

Damien: Diana, I have no doubt you can take care of yourself, but once Bella is married she's no longer your responsibility. Don't make an enemy if you don't have to. Who knows what friends you'll need in the coming months?

Xena doesn't move and Damien pushes past her, jostling her shoulder. Xena stays where she is, scowling.

Fade out.


	4. Act 3

Fade in.

A group of men stand around a table looking down at a map illuminated by flickering candles. It's Lord Damien surrounded by his loyal men.

Damien: Soon all of Potidea will be in my power. The marriage tonight between Lady Bella and Duke Arden merges the remaining two territories together. And once Duke Arden is out of the way I step in to comfort his widow and act as his replacement. Duke Damien of Potidea.

Thug: An excellent plan. But how will you remove Arden from the picture? A hunting accident?

Damien: No, no. That would look suspicious considering Bella's poor father. I have a much better plan in place. It requires only the right… guidance. Lady Bella will act tonight, but just in case she loses her nerve I need men posted around Arden's estate.

Thug: Yes, sire.

Damien: If news of Duke Arden's death does not reach you by dawn, you are to slip inside and dispose of Lady Bella, is that understood?

The thug moves his fist to his heart in a gesture of loyalty and turns smartly around to leave. He exits and the rest of the men follow in line.

Damien: Enjoy your wedding night, Bella.

Damien stands laughing at the table.

Cut to:

Xena waits on Gabrielle, pinning small ornaments into her long hair. Gabrielle admires herself in the mirror then sighs.

Gabrielle: Does everything look okay?

Xena: You look beautiful. You'll be fine.

Gabrielle: I'm so nervous.

Xena: Well, it is your wedding night.

A knock is heard at the door.

Gabrielle: Hurry, Diana – it's time.(louder) Just a minute!

Xena sets out two glasses and pours wine from the decanter into each. Gabrielle turns her back to Xena and takes the white envelope from her bosom, emptying the contents into a glass.

FLASHBACK

Damien is running his fingers through Gabrielle's hair. She stands with her eyes closed, looking unhappy.

Damien: It's a slow acting poison. He'll die quietly and painlessly in his sleep.

Gabrielle (whispers): It's still murder.

Damien (shakes her shoulders): You will put the poison in his wine before you take your wedding vows. You must be married before witnesses to take his title.

END FLASHBACK

Suddenly Xena snatches the packet from Gabrielle's trembling hands and the remaining white powder spills to the floor.

Xena: What is this? (sniffs)

Gabrielle: Diana, be careful!

Xena: Why? Is it poison? (eyes widen) It is! Bella, what are you thinking?

Gabrielle: I have to do this, Diana!

Another knock, louder, is heard at the door.

Gabrielle (calls): A moment, my lord!

Xena: No, Bella, you can't. Listen to me, please. (grasps Gabrielle's hands) You have a good soul. This will tarnish it forever. You can't do this to yourself.

Gabrielle: What other choice do I have?

Xena: I know about Damien. About how he's blackmailing you. But there is another way.

Gabrielle: What other way?

Xena: I have a plan. Do you trust me?

Gabrielle: Of course I do.

Xena: Good, then stall.

Xena opens the door, admitting Duke Arden. He waves a hand at Xena to dismiss her and she nods her head and leaves.

Arden picks up the poisoned goblet of wine.

Arden: Ah, my bride to be!

Gabrielle takes the goblet from his hand and sets it back on the tray.

Gabrielle: You don't want to drink that.

Arden frowns and picks the goblet up, sniffing.

Arden: It seems fine to me.

Arden shrugs and moves to take a drink. Gabrielle knocks the glass out of his hands.

Gabrielle: Oops.

Cut to:

Xena creeping around the outside of the dark manor. She crouches in some bushes, listening to three thugs.

Thug #1: Hey, what are we supposed to be looking out for?

Thug #2: I don't know. Pass that jug of wine.

Xena silently stands up behind them and crashes their heads together. Thug #3 takes off running. Xena watches him go and smiles.

Cut to:

Gabrielle and Arden kneel before an altar with a priestly figure standing over them. Organ music plays in the background and the camera pans back to reveal a crowd of people, some crying. Xena stands to one side holding a bouquet of flowers, glancing stealthily around the room.

Priest: It is with great happiness that I bless this union between Lady Bella and Duke Arden. May your days together be filled with harmony and peace.

Gabrielle and Arden: So may it be.

Priest: May your lives be filled with-

From off camera a voice cuts in.

Damien: I hate to interrupt this beautiful occasion. But I really must object.

Arden rises from the floor looking furious.

Arden: What is the meaning of this?

Damien: Duke Arden. (bows) I have only your best interests in mind. I told Lady Bella she needed to be forthcoming with you, but it seems she can only think of herself.

There are gasps around the room at the insults and Xena moves to stand next to Gabrielle, who is looking shell-shocked.

Arden: You better explain yourself!

Damien: Oh, I plan to. I'm afraid you've been misled, my friend. Lady Bella has nothing to offer you through this marriage. Her fortune, her estate, even her land is owed to debtors and collectors. She is in fact a pauper.

Gabrielle runs over to Arden and grabs his arm. Damien continues over the raised voices in the hall and we hear such comments as "scandalous!" and "outrageous!"

Damien: It's such a shame it had to come to such public humiliation, and at your expense, Duke Arden.

Arden: Enough. (over the murmurs of the crowd) Enough! I am not marrying Lady Bella for her estates, Damien. I am marrying her because I love her. (to Gabrielle) I have loved her since the day I first saw her, riding by her father's side. I knew at that moment I wanted her as my wife and companion.

Damien: Well, that's not all, Duke Arden. I didn't want to bring this up in such a public setting, but I have proof that Lady Bella planned to poison you on this, her wedding night.

Damien waves his hand and a servant rushes in, handing him a small white packet.

Damien (to servant): Where did you get this?

Servant: From Lady Bella's bedchambers, my Lord.

Xena: Excuse me, but that's mine.

Damien: What do you mean, it's yours?

Xena walks over and takes the packet, emptying the contents out onto her tongue. Xena licks her lips and smiles at Damien.

Xena: Sugar, for my tea.

Arden pulls out his sword.

Arden: Enough! You have insulted the honor of the woman I love!

Damien: Duke Arden, this is all a misunderstanding-

Arden: Defend yourself or die, Damien.

Damien pulls his sword as Arden attacks. Thugs rush into the room and drag Gabrielle out.

Gabrielle: Diana! Diana!

Xena is busy punching and kicking at a group of thugs. The wedding guests are running away in a panic. In the background we see Arden sword fighting with another group. Xena performs a roundhouse kick, taking out three men at once, then flips over the remaining two and kicks them in their backs. They fall unconscious to the floor. Arden has dealt with his two thugs and stands breathing heavily.

Xena: I have to find Bella.

Arden: Go. Please, keep her safe. I'll deal with Damien.

Xena nods and runs off. Arden turns to face Damien. They circle one another with swords drawn. Damien lunges forward but Arden parries the sword with his own.

Arden: You have a lot of innocent blood on your hands, Damien.

Damien: I wouldn't mind having yours as well.

Damien slashes wildly at Arden, grazing his sword arm. They move across the room, fighting around furniture and artwork.

Cut to:

Xena races down the hall, catching up with three mean looking thugs.

Xena: Hey! Looking for someone?

The three men turn around and admire the advancing figure. Cue: cheesy "sexy-Xena" dance music. Xena smiles and pulls a scarf from her dress. She dances around the three men and as she waves her hand she punches one in the face, knocking him out cold. The other two laugh then Xena's fists fly, and they land on top of their fallen comrade.

Xena: Amateurs.

Gabrielle: Diana? Where's Arden?

Cut to:

Gabrielle and Xena run into the room where Damien and Arden are still engaged in their swordplay. Damien throws a chair across Arden's path and he trips. With a victory cry Damien runs his sword through Arden's back.

Gabrielle: Arden, no!

Arden (gasps): You coward. She'll never marry you.

Damien: Then she'll die.

Arden slumps forward, dead and Damien smiles wickedly. His smile fades and the camera pulls back to reveal a dagger held to his throat.

Xena: I don't think so.

Damien (snarls): She has nothing, do you hear me? Nothing!

Damien's hand creeps down to his boot and he pulls out a dagger.

Xena: She has my loyalty.

Damien thrusts upward with the dagger and Xena cuts his throat in a smooth motion and he falls to the floor, dead. Gabrielle is crouched sobbing over Arden's body.

From off screen left comes the sound of clapping. Pan to a smiling Ares, now dressed in his leather pants and vest.

Ares: That was incredible to watch.

Xena: You could have helped!

Ares: What? And spoil all your fun? Nah, you had everything under control. You always do. You have… many skills.

Xena: Two people are dead, Aresis, one of them a good man. And you did nothing!

Ares: Hey, I was watching you, not the dueling dunces here.

Xena: This was your plan all along, wasn't it? You didn't want the houses united under Arden or Damien. The whole region will be in chaos!

Ares: This _is_ going to get messy. Not to mention that the locals aren't going to appreciate a servant disposing of a lord, even if she was defending herself.

Xena and Ares look down at the body at their feet. Xena nudges it with her foot.

Xena: I could say you killed him.

Ares: I think they'd take my word over yours.

Xena reaches down to wipe the bloody dagger off on Damien's shirt.

Xena: Well you don't leave me with many options, then.

Ares: So I suppose you're going with the irritating blonde?

Xena: There's nothing left for her here. Besides, I could never leave her. We've been together too long.

Ares: You have no idea.

The sounds of shouting and armored footsteps are heard off screen.

Ares: Well, it's been fun, but I think that's your cue.

Gabrielle: Diana? What do we do now?

Xena crouches besides Gabrielle, hugging her.

Xena: We get out of here. Come on.

Fade out.


	5. Act 4

Fade in.

Gabrielle, Xena, and Ares sit around a campfire. Xena and Ares are sitting together on a log and looking at Gabrielle with equal looks of disgust as she reads from a scroll.

Gabrielle: And so Lady Bella and her servant Diana set off to start a new life. Although they faced the burden of poverty they would face it together. And Lady Bella knew she would always have Diana by her side.

Gabrielle gives Ares and Xena a sappy smile and sighs.

Gabrielle: What do you think?

Ares gives Gabrielle a disbelieving look and turns to Xena.

Ares: Honey, why don't you go first?

Xena: Gabrielle, I'm speechless.

Gabrielle: That good, huh?

Xena and Ares: No.

Gabrielle: So you're saying you didn't like it? You two have no appreciation for the arts.

Gabrielle rolls up the scroll in a huff and stomps away.

Xena: Where are you going?

Gabrielle: I need a moment to myself.

Gabrielle goes off into the woods muttering to herself.

Ares: It needed more fight scenes. With me in them.

Xena: I think the whole story could have done without the God of War.

Ares: Who said anything about the God of War? I didn't her anything about fireballs or disappearing into the ether.

Xena: What about that wolf? Wait, are we arguing about one of Gabrielle's scrolls? Maybe it wasn't such a bad story after all.

Fade out. Off screen:

Ares: You don't mean that.


End file.
